Il y a quelques semaines, j'ai fait une découverte quelque peu choquante dans notre local de stockage.
I was looking through a pile of old photographs when, mixed in among the usual family holidays and memorable birthday parties, I found a set of six shots of me posing seductively in a series of sexy outfits. Me in a bikini. Me in a silky top. Me in a tight black skirt and vest with no bra.
I stared at these images with my jaw dropped, feeling as if I'd stumbled across a collection of photos taken without my knowledge. But no, I remember this We were in my friend's basement bedroom. Her parents were out. We were 14 years old.
In every one of the photos, I'm wearing a wooden cross necklace, clearly aware of the irony.
Fortunately for me, the internet wasn't a thing in 1991 and we were taking pictures with a disposable camera, not a smart phone. Maybe I would have sent those photos to a boy I liked. I don't know. But the fact remains that I had the inclination and curiosity to pose for them.
Take a moment, right now if you can, to recall what it was like to be a teenager discovering your own sexuality. Remember the questions you had, and the various methods you and your friends came up with for answering them. Think about how natural it is to wonder what your body looks like to other people. Isn't a photograph the best way to find out?
La découverte de ces photos a changé la façon dont j'ai abordé cette pièce. J'étais remplie de compassion pour les adolescentes et de gratitude pour mes parents qui, d'une manière ou d'une autre, ont guidé l'adolescente que j'étais jusqu'à un lieu de confiance et de férocité relatives.
Which reminded me, that's what it's all about. I was getting distracted as I researched the current technological landscape and how it affects the way our kids experience adolescence. There are some unique considerations because of the state of technology, but what's more important than preparing your daughter to be a good digital citizen is preparing your daughter to be a woman in this world.
As I discussed in my post on talking to boys about sex, love, and relationships, having the "one big sex talk" doesn't work. Your daughter won't experience her sexuality in one fell swoop. It's a process that begins way before puberty.
Aidez votre fille à construire une base solide et confiante à partir de laquelle elle pourra naviguer dans sa sexualité naissante en modélisant ces quatre comportements.
One study at the University of Notre Dame found that "direct maternal encouragement of daughters to lose weight is linked to daughters' development of bulimic symptoms." To which you might say, "Obviously." But the study's abstract also states that "daughters whose mothers merely talk about dieting and body dissatisfaction are more likely to be diagnosed with an eating disorder."
I would never presume to tell you that you need to be 100% happy with your body (I mean, that would be ideal, but I understand self-acceptance is an ever-evolving process). The point is, it's on us to deal with our shit in private. Do not talk about calorie counting, dieting, or losing weight in front of, or with, your daughter. Period.
Instead, talk to your daughter about healthy eating choices and introduce her to a range of physical activities that might interest her. If you think that ship has sailed, it's never too late to talk about loving yourself. Teach her what an amazing feat of science and magic her body is that we are made of the same raw material as the stars.
You may laugh or tell me that I'm barking up the wrong new age tree, but I want to offer this thought anyway: teach your daughter that she is a goddess. Not a queen or a diva, but a beautiful, sensual goddess whose body is to be celebrated. While you're at it, remind yourself that you're a goddess, too.
Il incombe également aux pères d'éviter consciemment d'utiliser un langage qui réduit les femmes à l'état d'objet devant leurs filles (ou pourquoi pas tout le temps ?), et de maintenir une proximité avec elles, même lorsque leur corps change à la puberté.
Laura Choate, author of "Swimming Upstream: Parenting Girls for Resilience in a Toxic Culture," says that "if you have always been affectionate, this is not the time to stop hugging your daughter or to push her off your lap just because she has grown a little (or a lot)." That kind of rejection, no matter how unintentional, can leave a lasting imprint.
2 | Amitiés féminines fortes et solidaires
I was a mean girl in junior high. Heavily influenced by the movie "Heathers," two friends and I called ourselves the Three Blonde Bitches (3BB for short). We weren't overtly mean, but we certainly thought we were better than other girls and knew how to influence almost any social situation. At the time, it seemed like the best way to be a "strong girl."
I wish I had done it all differently. I wish my notion of a strong girl involved lifting other girls up, making friends feel good about themselves, and showing boys that I didn't rely on their feedback to bolster my self-esteem.
Cattiness, the cornerstone of any mean girl squad, can be described as an evolutionary byproduct of the competition for sexual partners. In modern day terms, it's just competition. Women and girls are uncomfortable with competition because it's not something that we're encouraged to feel or benefit from the way boys typically are. But we experience it anyway, and don't really know what to do with it. So, we snipe. We betray. We lie.
Jusqu'à ce que nous apprenions qu'il existe une bien meilleure façon de gérer nos sentiments d'inadéquation. Une fois que les filles et les femmes auront fait l'expérience de la force brillante du soutien féminin, elles le choisiront à chaque fois plutôt que la méchanceté.
Female friends provide an outlet and a soundboard for those feelings that would otherwise manifest as passive aggression. Even better than that, the support of a close girlfriend has the ability to change the way we see ourselves. Your daughter will see the difference in you before and after you spend time with your ladies and understand on a profound level that girls are good for each other.
I loathe the sentiment for all the ways that it's been used to victim-blame and slut-shame. I also believe there's a kernel of truth in there.
Donner à votre fille l'exemple du respect de soi, c'est lui enseigner à la fois le consentement, l'intégrité et la force. Elle apprendra qu'elle a de la valeur et que ses paroles ont de l'importance. Comme la compréhension du fait que toutes les personnes naissent avec une valeur inhérente est une conséquence naturelle du respect de soi, votre fille respectera également les autres.
Respectez votre partenaire, respectez vos propres besoins et, pour l'amour de Dieu, respectez votre fille. Cela inclut le respect de sa vie privée.
Amy Adele Hasinoff, professeur adjoint au département de communication de l'université du Colorado à Denver et auteur de Sexting Panic, explique que la protection de la vie privée numérique est également un élément important à prendre en compte.
Covert monitoring (of your daughter's texts and social media) sets a really bad example that says, you have no right to privacy. I don't care about your personal space, she says. This is the opposite of respect.
And there's a larger message coming through. Says Hasinoff, "You're sending a very dangerous message that there is no privacy in digital information. I think we want to be modeling to kids that, just because something is digital and Facebook's telling you to share it and Twitter's telling you to share it, doesn't mean you should. There's still an ethical obligation to respect people's privacy."
Dans tous les domaines où votre fille peut raisonnablement s'attendre à ce que sa vie privée soit respectée - son téléphone, son courrier électronique, voire sa chambre à coucher -, il vous incombe d'assurer cette confidentialité.
Je ne doute pas que vous croyiez en votre fille. Vous pensez qu'elle mérite le respect, tout comme ses homologues masculins. Elle devrait avoir la liberté d'être elle-même sans être ridiculisée ou brimée. Elle est votre cause.
As much as I wish it wasn't so, we still live in a misogynist culture particularly when it comes to female sexuality. Girls are routinely given the message that they should be chaste and humble, but not too chaste and humble; that they can be one of two things a prude or a slut.
Si votre adolescente est surprise en train de sextoter, ne la punissez pas. Ayez une conversation à ce sujet. Demandez-lui pourquoi elle l'a fait et expliquez-lui pourquoi ce n'est pas une bonne idée. Aidez-la à trouver des moyens sûrs et sains d'explorer sa sexualité. C'est ce que l'on appelle le plaidoyer.
If your daughter is being slut-shamed for that sext, or for the way she dresses, something she said, or something that someone else invented about her, MAKE IT STOP! Her school may not intervene, her friends may do nothing, and, saddest of all, your daughter may feel powerless to fight it. It is up to you.
Furthermore, if your daughter is contributing to the slut-shaming of another girl, you need to become an advocate for that girl. There are too many examples (because even one is too many) of girls being relentlessly harassed by other girls, sometimes, tragically, to the point of committing suicide.
Hasinoff says, "It's very easy for parents to think of their teenage girls as potential victims. They feel like their kids are vulnerable. I think the best thing parents could do is think of it as their job to make sure that their kids don't perpetrate these horrible violations that they don't slut-shame their classmates."
She goes on to say, "That's the moral and ethical training that I think parents should be giving their kids, rather than, 'Don't sext.' "If all you tell them is 'don't sext,' you're setting them up for a lot of problems and you're not solving any of the issues"
There is a lot of messed up shit that happens when it comes to girls and sexuality. Tune your radar into this realm and be prepared to fight when you see the double standard in play. By advocating for your daughter now, you're teaching her how to do it herself for the rest of her life.
It's also daunting as hell, isn't it? Speaking as a mother who tends to get caught up in the details (Shit, did I remember to put her tap shoes in her backpack? What will we do if we don't have her tap shoes? I'm the worst!), thinking about writing this piece has caused me to take several giant steps back and consider the whole picture.
When I judge myself, I judge my daughter. When I look at my belly, no longer the defined mid-section of a 25-year-old yoga instructor, and think, "Gross," I lay that feeling at my daughter's feet. When my sweet, wonderful mother calls herself stupid for forgetting to pack her toothbrush, my daughter feels the weight of those words.
It's not fair. She didn't do anything wrong. But you see, neither did I. All of this judgment and criticism is learned behavior. When I was a kid going to Catholic mass, I would keep my lips closed during the part of the service when the congregation speaks the phrase, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."
"But WHY am I not worthy?," seven-year-old me thought. "What did I do wrong?"
Nothing, sweetheart. You've done nothing wrong. It's just a phrase from a book written by men who were trying to control a whole lot of people. People are easier to control when you convince them that they lack worth.
And that's what our culture has done to generations of women. The words change slightly, we gain a little ground now and then, but the underlying (heteronormative) belief that women exist primarily to be tools for male sexual pleasure, and to reproduce and care for their offspring, persists.
Mais vous pouvez d'ores et déjà promettre que cela se terminera avec vous.
En tant qu'avocate spécialisée dans le droit de la famille, je sais que les familles qui s'épanouissent après le divorce sont celles qui font des compromis et font preuve de créativité pour résoudre les problèmes.
De petits ajustements, comme l'établissement d'un budget ou la fixation d'objectifs d'épargne, peuvent faire une grande différence au fil du temps. Construisez un avenir financier solide pour votre famille.
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