What makes you feel like you? Ask a mother what she does for self-care and the question can land like an assignment. A workout routine. A hobby. A weekend away. One more thing to fit onto a plate that is already full.
But what mothers actually do to catch a break, find a little energy, or get to a few minutes of peace is the far more valuable thing to know. It is also the part that rarely gets said out loud. It passes between mothers in private, if it gets shared at all, and it never makes the list.
So we asked moms a more specific version of the self-care question.
What is one small ritual that helps you feel most like yourself?
Almost none of the answers took more than a sentence.
Every one of them fits inside an ordinary day.
11 of them mentioned coffee.
Coffee, specifically and repeatedly
The shortest answer we received came from Tailynn Brost. Five words: a good cup of coffee.
For Jamiee Diaz, the ritual is leaving the house to get it. Even with the baby along, sitting in a coffee shop is what helps her feel like herself and reset on a difficult day. Lucimere Silva wanted something more specific than caffeine: being able to sit down and have a coffee with friends.
Lucia Pinto pairs her cup with a podcast or music, and describes it as a minute to step back and clear her mind before the day takes off. Bianca Morriello takes a few quiet moments with her coffee before the busyness begins.
And Ashley Kogel gave the answer that makes clear this is not about escape from her small people: her morning starts with coffee and kid cuddles.
The ones who start with silence
Kay Hughes starts her day with quiet time and prayer before the house gets busy. It helps her reset, she says, and show up with intention for her family and her work. Mary Williams also prays in the morning, which she says always starts the day off right.
Roxci Vergara is the most specific of anyone. She start the day with alone time and silence, listens to an app while doing her gua sha routine, and then takes her time making breakfast and an iced coffee.
Getting ready, for no one besides yourself
Several answers were about doing something for your own face, hair or clothes, simply for feeling their best.
Zoya Alam has a morning and evening skincare routine. It is not many steps, she says, but it helps because it is something she is doing for her own happiness. Katherine Corniel says she does her hair. Courtney Willingham takes bubble baths. Jaylyn Carr gets dressed in something she likes each morning, even if she’s not going anywhere in particular.
Not every reset happens in the morning
Several of the rituals had nothing to do with the start of the day.
Myria Dinkins once in a while takes a meal by herself. It does not happen often, she says, but those quiet moments help her reset. For Maria Urdaneta, the ritual is not solitary at all. It is spending time with her friends who are also mothers.
Stephanie Yu takes walks. Stephanie Mentore-Blanc keeps a gratitude journal. Christina Cosgrove takes photos. Emily Smith gets her nails done once a month and reads on her back porch.
What these rituals have in common
Not one of them is about getting more done. Nobody described a system and nobody mentioned productivity.
What they have in common is five minutes that belong to nobody else.
