The journey of motherhood is filled with guilt.
If you work, it’s because you have to leave your baby with someone else; but if you don’t work, it’s because you’re not contributing. If you had to miss work to take your baby to the doctor, but also if you didn’t make it in time for bath time because you stayed late in a meeting. If you decided to have only one child, because you’re not giving them a sibling; but if you had several, it’s because sometimes you can’t help but make comparisons. If you let them watch TV, but also if you were too strict and prohibited sweets. If you’re exhausted and take a little time to rest. If you need to ask for help. If you’ve neglected yourself because you don’t have time for you. If you’re not dedicating time to your partner. If you don’t see your friends anymore…
You want to have everything under control, but you constantly feel that you’re not enough as a mom, as a professional, as a partner, as a friend or as a woman.
It’s very tough. No matter what we do, that annoying little voice seems to always be there whispering in our ear.
The first thing you need to know is that you’re not alone. All moms feel guilty about one thing or another. This is due to the social and cultural expectations that have built this concept of the “wonder woman,” where we are expected to be multifaceted and have exceptional abilities to balance our personal, family, work, and social lives, always with a positive attitude. As if that weren’t enough, social media presents us with idealized images of motherhood, where everything seems easy and perfect.
Enough is enough! Stop trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Stop romanticizing motherhood and minimizing the challenges it also represents. Stop being afraid to speak the truth. Stop living with guilt when you’re probably doing great.
So, how do we manage this feeling? Here are some tips that may help:
Don’t deny or suppress it. Validating and recognizing what you’re feeling is the first step to deactivate it. It’s a completely normal emotion that all moms, without exception, have felt at some point. Identify what makes you feel guilty and where it comes from. Do you feel like you’re not living up to your own expectations, or those of others? Are those expectations realistic? Facing guilt head-on will help you rationalize your emotions, gain greater emotional clarity and diminish its power over you.
When my little ones cry because something doesn’t go well (like putting on their shoes), I remind them that it’s very rare for something to work out perfectly on the first try and that we must try many times to get better, but what’s important is to keep trying. We should remind ourselves of this too. No one was born knowing how to be a mom; we learn along the way. We all make mistakes, and although there are days when things don’t go as we’d like, what matters is to keep trying and learn from our errors. That’s what helps us grow and become better. Allow yourself to be human and recognize that it’s okay not to be perfect.
You’re not perfect, but those moms you admire and think do it better than you aren’t perfect either. Does your neighbor have three kids and two dogs, and you wonder how her house is always so tidy? Does your colleague have twins, but not only does she look immaculate, she also always arrives 15 minutes early to the office? It’s all a matter of perception. You don’t know the whole story. There are surely other aspects they struggle with, just like everyone else. Besides, there are facets of you that are also worthy of admiration.
Accept that you won’t always achieve perfect balance, so it’s better to set clear priorities that allow you to make decisions that help you feel more at ease. What is truly important to you and your family? If being a present mom is your number one priority, don’t feel bad about asking for time off at work to attend your children’s festival. Yes, some colleagues may not understand, but think about how your little one would feel if they see you’re not there. What generates less guilt for you? What makes you feel better? Making decisions that align more with your values and what brings you peace will help reduce negative feelings.
Simply talking about the elephant in the room helps reduce stress. Whether with your therapist, friends or in support groups, being able to vent and openly discuss how you feel contributes to alleviating that emotional burden. Talking to other moms will likely lead you to discover that many of them go through experiences similar to yours. Receiving professional help will give you valuable tools to manage it. It’s truly liberating to feel validated, heard and understood.
Breathing is a very powerful strategy for combating feelings like guilt, stress, and anxiety. When you can take a quick break or are scrolling through TikTok, put your phone aside, sit in a comfortable place and close your eyes. Inhale slowly through your nose for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds and exhale gently through your mouth for five seconds. Repeat this cycle five times, focusing on the sensation of the air and relaxing your body with each exhale. Physically, you’ll be stimulating your nervous system, oxygenating your brain and reducing muscle tension. But you’ll also be centering your mind in the here and now. This is an excellent first step for self-care.
Treat yourself as you would a friend going through the same thing. Stop criticizing yourself and indulge in simple activities whenever you can, like taking a long bath, having a coffee with a friend over the phone, asking your sister to watch your baby for an hour so you can take a nap or whatever makes you feel better and recharges your energy. You’re not being selfish; you’re thinking of yourself, and that’s good for your children, your partner and everyone around you.
In conclusion, embrace being yourself, reset your priorities and reevaluate your expectations. Remember everything you’ve learned and be grateful for the journey you’ve taken. Every time that little voice starts whispering in your ear, remind her that you’re a mom doing your best. As long as your children are cared for, nurtured and loved, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. You are more than enough, and you’re doing a great job.
Hannah Howard
Author