It's 2 AM and you're lying awake again, mentally cycling through the same questions: Is the daycare with the longer waitlist worth it? Should you trust your gut about that nanny who seemed perfect but something felt off? What if you're ruining your child's future by choosing wrong?
You've Googled Montessori and Waldorf and Reggio Emilia, talked to every new parent in your neighborhood (including the woman with a toddler in front of you at the grocery store), read through dozens of replies to a post on Facebook debating the merits of an au pair vs. a nanny, and somehow you feel more lost that when you started. The only thing you haven't done is create a vision board with magazine cutouts of well-adjusted preschoolers and burn sage over your childcare spreadsheet. How do you make the right decision?
If it feels like every parent you know is stressed about childcare, that's because they are—with nearly 15 million children under 6 needing care while their parents work, millions of families are all trying to solve this same puzzle of finding the right care.
Whether you're a first time parent, or have been through this before, decisions around childcare can feel like one of the most high stakes decisions you have to make. Complicating things is the deeply person nature of these decisions: there is no single right answer, and even the best recommendations from people you trust may not be the right fit for your family.
As a Stanford-trained decision engineer who teaches professionals how to make big decisions with less stress and more clarity, countless working parents have asked my advice on how to make the childcare decision making process easier. Regardless of where you are in the process, here are 3 tips to help you make a decision you won't regret, centered around the three components of every decisions: objectives, options, and information.
Identify what matters.
Most people approach decisions by thinking about the options first. Do I hire a nanny or put my child in daycare? If we go the daycare route, which one would be best? However, you'll have no way of evaluating those options until you've landed on what really matters to you in this decision.
To do that, list out your "wants" and "worries" for each option. What makes you "want" to go the nanny route? Is it the low child-to-caregiver ratio? Is it because you can tailor the care schedule more to your needs? On the other hand, what makes you "worry" about the nanny option? Is it the amount of work to find the right fit?
List your wants and worries for the other options as well. Maybe you want to go the daycare route because you liked the learning environment, and you worry about the commute to its location on the other side of town.
Once you've listed your wants and worries, look for themes in what you care most about. Perhaps convenience and cost come up the most. These themes will become your compass. Bonus points: take the time to describe what it looks like when each of these objectives are met. Is there a particular cost threshold you need to stay within? Getting specific will help you evaluate your options and assess tradeoffs.
Focus on decision quality, not outcome quality.
The most common question I get from parents is "But how will I know this option is best?" The uncomfortable truth: you won't. At least not in the way you're hoping.
Here's what makes childcare decisions feel so paralyzing: most parents believe they can only feel good about their choice if it leads to a perfect outcome. But there's no way to guarantee that, which leaves you stuck in an endless loop of research and worry.
Instead, shift your focus to whether you're making a thoughtful decision with the information you have. Before moving forward, complete this sentence: "I can move forward feeling at peace with this decision because..."
A good decision means you can honestly say you:
- Took time to define what was really important to your family (rather than making a choice based on what matters to others)
- Researched information that's actually knowable (cost, location, schedule) rather than obsessing about things you couldn't possibly predict in advance
- Examined what emotions were coming up and got curious about what those feelings revealed about your needs
- Paid attention to the key components: your objectives, available options, relevant information, and your feelings about this deeply personal choice
Recognize when you have the opportunity to make a new decision.
One of the biggest sources of childcare anxiety is feeling like everything rides on this one choice you're making right now. But here's what can offer some relief: most childcare decisions aren't permanent.
Life changes, and when it does, you have opportunities to make new decisions. Remember those three components of every decision—objectives, options, and information? If any of those shift significantly, it may be time to reconsider your choice.
Your objectives might evolve as your child grows or your family circumstances change. New options might become available—a spot opens up at your preferred daycare, or a neighbor starts a nanny share. Or you might gain new information about how well your current arrangement is working.
I experienced this firsthand when our family chose a highly reputable preschool based on glowing neighborhood recommendations. About a year in, the school's leader experienced a health event and could no longer be present, significantly impacting the quality of care. This new information gave us an opportunity to re-evaluate: should we stay or explore other options? Importantly, this didn't make our original decision wrong—we had simply encountered new factors to consider.
When circumstances change, you're not being indecisive by reconsidering your choice. You're being responsive to new realities and continuing to shape your family's future in the direction you want it to go.
You're going to be okay.
The next time you find yourself lying awake at 2 AM cycling through childcare scenarios, remember this: the reason you're worrying so much is because you care deeply about what's best for your kids and your family. That caring is not a flaw—it's exactly what makes you a good parent.
But no amount of worry will give you the power to see the future or control every outcome. You're not clairvoyant, and you're not omnipotent. You're human, doing the best you can with the information you have right now.
Give yourself credit for that. You've taken time to think about what matters to your family. You're making a thoughtful choice with the resources available to you. And if something changes down the road? You'll figure that out too, because you're the same caring parent who got you this far.
Your future self will thank you for making a decision and moving forward, rather than staying stuck in endless research and worry. Trust yourself. You've got this.
